Every now and then, I catch myself wondering — am I struggling or coping with the loss of a loved one? The past few days have been especially tough. The emotional outbursts have quieted down somewhat, but the heaviness lingers.
The first couple of days were brutal. Whenever I’m alone, my thoughts drift — uninvited — to memories of my mum. I find myself instinctively reaching for my phone or laptop, searching through old photos just to feel close to her again… to remember what it felt like when she was still here.
Today, even without tears or dramatic moments, I realised I’m still struggling. It hit me during a casual conversation with someone:
Acquaintance: Selamat Hari Raya. How was your Raya today?
Me: It’s different.
Acquaintance: How is different?
Me: It’s just different
Acquaintance: Must be the weather?
Me: Just different….
I felt so irritated. I didn’t want to explain, didn’t feel like opening up. I didn’t owe this person my grief. I’ve always been more private — preferring to keep things like this within my close circle. Yes, the news got around, but that doesn’t mean I want to talk about it with everyone.
In that moment, all I could think was: “Dude, can you please leave me alone? I’m mourning here.”
I’m beginning to realise that I may never fully “get used to it.” There’s no tidy end to grief. I’ll just keep learning to live with it — to carry it, quietly — and that, I suppose, is my way of coping.